recently

It’s been a while! For a lot of reasons…I had a list of posts I wanted to write about but didn’t get around to, and we’ve been moving around a bit. We are up in Andorra (where we have our green cards to be in the EU) for Neilson to do an altitude camp.

I also have crippling feelings of self-doubt every time I think of something to write about…”no one cares about that, I won’t be able to describe that feeling well, all I want to do is share the photos”. There’s a certain layer of fear associated with vulnerability any time you share something personal, which is why I deflect most opportunities for that here on the blog with sarcasm or glassing over how I’m really feeling. Yet here I am, opening up.

In all honesty, I have felt so guilty the past few months, living this “vacation” lifestyle while everyone can’t travel. Sadly it hasn’t been as picture perfect as I’ve shared. We both got covid, just as all our friends and family in the states were finishing up the last doses of their vaccinations. There have been some er visits, some scary times driving for the first time in Europe in a manual car, and a lot of showing up to restaurants for lunch to find that they don’t serve past 4 or before 1, or they’re closed the whole month for vacation.

There are a lot of growing pains associated with moving to a foreign country. I’m grateful for some friendships that grew so quickly through the cycling community here in Girona. But then coming up here to Andorra, it felt like starting from scratch four months after moving to Europe. All I’ve done is crave those close relationships that are so deep you don’t have to explain yourself to your friends. The reality is, the best friendships take time and so much nurturing.

There is also an element of “culture shock” that is constantly going on. I didn’t realize how comforting it is to walk into a place and say hello in a language people understand. I have never felt shame in being American, but sometimes walking in the grocery, all I want to do is fit in and speak their language fluently so they can’t even tell I’m not from here. I was scared to share these thoughts because after all, it’s me who chose to move here and me who gets to have this amazing opportunity to live abroad. But the reality is it takes a toll on you. New experiences are fun, but I’ve realized when every part of every day is a new experience, it can break you down little by little. I’ve angered more people here than I can count, by not bagging my groceries quickly enough, or stalling in roundabouts on hills, but all I need is a sign on my back that says “'I’m learning!” I share these things because I don’t want to pretend that our lives here are perfect. I often take out my feelings of not belonging or not having close enough friends on my husband, who graciously bears it all and is always a shoulder to cry on.

I don’t have any revolutionary conclusion to these ramblings, but all I can say is that we are all works in progress. For me, the challenges I face are fostering new relationships and trying to stay afloat in a foreign country. For you, it might be challenges in your career or feeling like you’re behind in life or any number of things. I share all these things, in the hope that if even one of you sees a little piece of yourself in my story, you will not feel alone.

This morning in my quiet time I was reminded that we are transformed by the grace of God every. single. day. Not just on Mondays, or Sundays or whatever day we need it. All day, every day, every moment we are being renewed in knowledge after the image of our creator. Colossians 3:10 We are called to bloom where we are planted and trust that we will never be put into a situation that we are not equipped to handle.

I promise it won’t be so long before the next post! xx Fran