in between

I’ve found myself avoiding writing here on this platform because I don’t have answers. We have been in a season of transition since we moved here in February. I was waiting to write a post when I had something to write about; some big career opportunity that has presented itself, some amazing apartment we’ve found to rent. But I realize that’s not fair to myself or to anyone who reads along.

I am sharing the process and the messy in-betweens because life isn’t all about the results.

The truth is, I don’t have a dance job lined up for next season. I always knew this was a possibility with leaving my job in California and moving to Europe with very few connections here to pursue. I’m not saying goodbye to the stage, and I’m not saying I’m giving up. I don’t believe I ever will. But I also know that God has gifted me with a lot of talents and passions that look differently than being a full-time ballet dancer.

The daunting part is, my purpose has always been rooted in dance. Being a professional ballet dancer is my calling and I will always instinctively say that when someone asks me what I do. But more recently, without having that job to define “who” I am, I’ve been grappling with who I am without that identity.

I truly never in my wildest dreams could’ve imagined that I would marry a professional cyclist. But I have dreamt of living in France since I was in 6th grade and insisted on taking French instead of a more “practical” language. I never thought that dream would come to fruition because I married a professional cyclist, but here I am.

Our marriage in its young year and a half of existence has brought us to some of our lowest lows and highest highs, but my tears have not scared Neilson away. As we enter a season where our time together is outnumbered by our time apart for the next few months, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the uncertainties that lie around us. And I’m not going to lie, it is overwhelming.

For now, just going to cherish some well earned time together in the midst of both of our chaos.

xx f