first trimester (!)

I’ve lost control. And the irony is that I ever thought I had control.

The last three months have felt simultaneously endless, but so quick. It feels like just yesterday I took a pregnancy test at home, right after spending the week in Rome with friends. I was certain I was about to get my period, because I had started having cramps the day before, so I left the test in the bathroom and went to do other things. When I came back, and saw a positive test I started sobbing.

We are expecting Baby Powless in October and beyond excited for this adventure!

expectation vs. reality
I’ve watched so many pregnancy announcement videos of people jumping up and down with their spouse and positive test. Tbh luckily the camera wasn’t on because I was ugly crying. But, Neilson was out of town and was going to be gone for another two weeks. I was so excited but also knew that he was already out training and I’d have to wait to tell him. I wanted to tell him first and luckily the rest of my friends and family were all sound asleep as it was the middle of the night their time, so the secret was safe. I remember just walking around the apartment crying and pacing. He was so excited when he found out…by me just putting the camera on the pregnancy test and leaving it there until he understood what I was saying.

French rendez-vous #1
So, at the ripe gestational age of 5 weeks I went to see the dr. to check up on everything. I didn’t even have a gynecologist in France, and quite frankly doctors offices have always terrified me. I asked around, did some research and was able to find a female gyno here who spoke English as well as French. I begged a friend to come to the appointment with me, and she kept me calm for the hour long wait in the salle d’attente. Bedside manner here is obviously a little different than in the states, but I’ve also never been pregnant before in either country. I sat across from her at a desk and then she told me we’d have a look so I needed to take my pants off…in the US a gown, curtain, and nurse waiting to knock until you’ve changed would usually be included at this point, but this was straight to the point. She very sweetly did a little échographie and printed the image of our little seed to keep for the family albums.

rendez-vous #2
On Valentine’s Day, Neilson and I went to the dr’s office bright and early to wait for another hour before seeing the dr. This time, the écho showed us our little bean in utero a whole 13.7mm long. And we got to see the heartbeat! A very sweet way to commemorate our Valentine’s Day. This was also the appointment that I began learning about the French obsession with toxoplasmosis during pregnancy, and would be tested in bloodwork every month for it.

rendez-vous #3
I had my official first trimester ultrasound, and went to see a échography specialist for this. Neilson was out of town for this as well, so my friend came along. The appointment was quick and the échographiste told me he could see the gender and tell us. The baby's heartbeat had also now sped up to 167bpm. We could see the arms and legs and feet and hands this time, and the image was really starting to look like a little human. So crazy to watch.

rendez-vous #4
Back to the regular doctor for results from the bigger ultrasound and bloodwork, and a prognosis that I had in fact not contracted toxoplasmosis in the last four weeks. She did a little écho since Neilson was there, and baby’s hands were up by its face and its legs were kicking so hard. Now about 6cm long, the size of a lemon!

gender
We aren’t finding out the gender for this little one. Such a fun surprise, and honestly when you have to live your life telling all big news through a phone and Facetime, waiting to find out all together at the same time just sounds so sweet. My maternal instinct has said boy this entire time.

morning sickness
I’ve been pretty exhausted and nauseous for the past two months. I was sleeping 12 hours a night consistently at a certain point, and would need a mid-morning rest shortly after eating breakfast. I used to hate eating breakfast, but it’s now become my main meal of sustenance. My morning sickness tends to rear its head from 2pm onward, so I try to use mornings for productivity and eating as much as I can. Some nights I would just lay in bed praying that I could fall asleep before throwing up dinner. Luckily Neilson has been home a good amount for the past two months, and has truly been a lifesaver getting me ginger ale and mango and sour gummies. I’m starting to feel better right as the weather is really turning into spring and starting to show its sunny beauty. The days are getting longer, and our summer beach chairs are starting to call our names in the afternoons.

cravings
Literally all I’ve been wanting is American comfort food. Queso, nachos, American pizza, cheetos. Honestly probably good I can’t get that here. Sour gummies and coke have kept me alive on some days. Fruit and iced tea are my latest craving. Coffee, most meat, garlic, truffle and all smelly french cheeses have suddenly betrayed me and become triggers.

creativity
I’ve been in a creative rut recently, mostly due to having no energy to spend on fostering creativity, and feeling like I would spill my secret if I spoke to a single soul. Secrets have never been my strong suit.

I’ve read Expecting Better, Daisy Jones & The Six, The Thursday Murder Club #1 and #2, and currently getting through Cribsheet and The Giver of Stars. With a lot of time logged horizontally on the couch, I’ve watched all of Friends, Daisy Jones & the Six and almost polished off Gilmore Girls. What a product of genius this child will be.

dreaming & scheming
One productive thing I’ve done in the last two months was begin our baby’s antique collection, and sew it’s first quilt. My mom gave me this quilt kit and book for Christmas and I finally got around to it in mid February. Start to finish it wasn’t a super long process, and the hand quilting part was perfect for sitting on the couch. I took my baby pinterest board off of private and am honestly so excited that the secret is finally out to dream and scheme with everyone else!

losing control
The reason I started this post saying I’d lost control is that there is truly no other experience in my life where I’ve felt so out of control. The first trimester can be a pretty isolating time, as we slowly started to tell our family and closest friends. Experiencing so many new symptoms and constantly wondering if they’re good or bad signs of a healthy pregnancy. Hesitant to tell too many people for fear of something happening. From when we started “trying” I remember thinking that it was so isolating. At first I wasn’t talking about it with any friends, but honestly I needed their sanity to help me process such a big life change. It didn’t take us that long once we started trying, but it felt like such a long few months during that time. Again, something we ultimately have zero control over and I just had to pray and trust for God’s hand in the timing of everything.

Okay, I think I’ve shared enough for this time. Who knew I had so much to say once I finally could.
Until next time-xx