reflection
It’s now January 4, 2022 and I’m beginning to get to reflections on 2021. Feels about right considering the whirlwind that was December. On the eve of my eleventh performance of Sac Ballet’s Nutcracker, Neilson and I stumbled our way onto a redeye at the Sacramento airport. Longing to see my family I hadn’t seen in five months, I eagerly jumped into hitting every Christmas Eve activity with full gusto, dragging Neilson along, certain that he would catch on to my family’s way of doing things. Our bodies were craving rest after weeks of late nights at the theatre, but Christmas was calling! About halfway through the week, a stomach bug hit the two of us so hard that we had no choice but to do what our bodies were calling us to do: rest. Hours of sleep turned into days. Finally feeling good enough to stand back on our feet, it was time to return to California for work.
January marks another season of change for us. After one more round of performances with Sac Ballet in February, Neilson’s race season starts back up in Europe, and we’ll head over. This year we’ll be based in Nice, France. With this change comes exciting new opportunities and experiences. But with it also comes a lot of new things: new country, new language, new community, finding a new job. As my parents recently told me, they did not raise me to be an advocate of change. I was raised in the same house, neighborhood, and church my entire life until I turned 18. The past five months in California have been so “normal” and consistent and I’m so grateful for all the time I’ve been able to spend with dear friends, in the city and job that made me a professional dancer.
February marks the physical season of change. And January marks the soul stirring that change brings. As we enjoyed time with family during the holidays, I couldn’t help but get emotional at the thought of being so far away from my loved ones again. I’m so grateful for the gift of technology, but there are certain things that can’t fill the gap of little conveniences like being able to leave cookies on someone’s porch, pop in for a cup of coffee or even just be on a timezone only a couple hours away.
2021 was a year of immense change for us.
The things I’m most grateful for:
transitioning to a new community and country
fully experiencing the throes of being a cyclist’s wife
getting time to prioritize our marriage and celebrate one year married(!)
friendships that know no distance boundaries
returning to work as a professional ballet dancer
*begrudgingly* the humbling growth that comes from making it through hard times, when stability feels so far in the future
I wish I had a comforting revelation to conclude all these ramblings with, but I’ve learned that grieving the loss of something takes time. We are allowed time to grieve, to have grace on ourselves. On the dreams we’ve accomplished and the dreams we still hold close. Processing emotions in a healthy way means acknowledging them, and not rushing ourselves through the process. So yes, spiraling into hysterics sometimes feels ridiculous but it’s also a natural part of the process.
Until next time…xx
ps. if you’ve been reading along for a year now, we’re almost reaching the anniversary of my blubbering self making its way to Spain for the first time. We’ve come so far!